My lunch table on the day we started talking about college.

10.31.23

At lunch, we always talk about random things. It’s a wide range, and sometimes, I seriously question how we got on the topics that we’re on. However, for the past couple of weeks, we’ve been talking about college. We talk about where we’re applying to, what we want to study, and where we’re taking tours.

It’s terrifying.

I have a general understanding of what I want to study and what I want to do as a career. I have no clue where I want to go to school, though. I didn’t think that I had to think about it yet. I didn’t realize that my future was creeping so close.

But, it’s been a long time coming.

My mom made me make a list of colleges that I want to visit. I’ve been on websites and Instagram, searching for schools that I’m interested in. All of my friends are talking about college. It’s scary.

I hadn’t quite realized how soon college is. I’m a junior. I’m almost a senior. I freak out every time I think about it. I sort of understand the stress the seniors are feeling right now because I am incredibly stressed just thinking about where I want to go.

I suppose I should’ve known that I’d have to think about college soon. I saw my brother find a college. I’ve seen my friends find colleges. I know that junior year is the time to start looking, so I know that it’s been a long time coming.

But I sort of feel like this is marking the end of my high school career. It’s not, obviously, because I still have two years left, but I feel like the end is closing in on me. I feel like I need to start slowly saying goodbye to everything I’ve held onto for the last 16 years.

But I also feel dumb for the way I feel. Logically, I know that I still have two years in high school, so I don’t really have anything to worry about. But these two years are going to be filled with stress about my grades, college trips, and applications. I feel like once I start to think about college, I can never stop, and it’s the symbol of the end.

I wish I had more time to be a kid. I wish I had more time before colleges emailed me, and I started stalking them on Instagram. I wish I could start over in my freshman year, so I don’t have to feel this stress.

But I also know that thinking about college is good. I know that future me will thank current me for thinking about college so early. I know that what I’m doing is for the best and that preparing for my future is important. But I really don’t want to.

I want to shove away the future creeping behind me and tell it to wait a while. But I know that it’ll tell me it’s time. I know it’ll say that it’s been a long time coming. It’ll say that it’s time to prepare. And that’s what I’ll do.