Keyla Acevedo-Hargis

This is me with my acceptance letter to Northwestern University wearing my new favorite sweatshirt.

I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I couldn’t breathe.

I couldn’t think.

One click of a button would determine if I was about to have one of the best or worst days of my life.

One click of a button would quite literally determine the outcome of the rest of my life.

I just couldn’t do it.

My finger was inches away from the mousepad, the cursor nervously hovering over the words “View status change” in a purple font. It was at that moment when I was reminded of every little memory that lit the path to bring me here, sitting at my kitchen counter, tears streaming down my face and hands shaking rapidly.

I remembered how my confidence skyrocketed in first grade as we entered the writing workshop portion of our day. My pencil would fly across the paper as fast as my six-year-old hand would let it—I still had to make time to do my finger spaces. I wrote stories about my first time on a big-kid roller coaster. I recounted the time my baby sister gifted me a charm to add to my favorite bracelet. I boasted over the (make-believe) time that my friends and I went ice skating and one girl scraped her knee.

I remembered how in second grade, I made my own magazine. While my viewership numbers consisted of solely my two parents, I still poured my heart and soul into each monthly issue. I would draw every picture for every story and practice my tickle-me coloring that I learned the year prior. I wrote mini-articles about my favorite fashion trends of 2013 and about how the Cincinnati Bengals were doing that year based on the tone of my dad’s shouts in front of our TV. I tried to make a magazine for my class, too. But that didn’t take off. I should have known none of them would want to read about my Frozen obsession anyway.

I remembered when I published my first-ever article on this site. The energy buzzed through me like an electrical current. It widened my horizon and sparked a flame inside of me that I never knew could shine so brightly before then. I have always loved to write, but that was when my words finally had purpose.

I remembered when I happened upon what is now my dream school for a project in my sophomore English class. It had everything I could ever hope for and more. After five quick minutes of researching as much as I could about the school, I had my heart set on a future that seemed way too far beyond my reach.

I remembered the late nights spent going over every note I took in every class to pass with the highest grade I could possibly achieve. I knew that anything lower would not be good enough. I would scold myself for every grade that was below my standards and finally let myself breathe for a split second when things worked out according to plan.

I remembered the tears that had stained my face for the past three years. They were tears of self-doubt, of exhaustion, of fear for an uncertain future. They were tears pooling in the eyes of a girl who pushed herself a little too hard at times; but, she knew she wouldn’t regret it one day.

I remembered everything that led me to have my finger now hovering just above the mousepad. My stomach was doing somersaults faster than my eyes could blink. It was just one click of a button that would turn my world upside down if it wasn’t what I had dreamed of.

I knew I couldn’t wait any longer. I couldn’t just stay curious for the rest of my life. I couldn’t keep imagining what it would be like to get the “yes” that I yearned for. I couldn’t shield myself from the truth forever. I needed to breathe. I needed to take that final leap over the cliff that had been haunting me for so long. 

So, I clicked the mousepad. 

My heart stopped beating. The world stopped turning. It was the best day of my life.

I knew I always loved the color purple for a reason.