There’s a cloud that lives inside my head

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There’s a cloud that lives inside my head.

I didn’t know it until recently, but it’s been there my whole life. It accompanies me wherever I go, no matter how hard I try to desert it. It’s a burden; a burden that lies heavy on my shoulders, regardless of if I don’t show the toll it takes on me. I have always, and will always, have a cloud residing in my head.

There are days where my cloud nearly dissipates into thin air. The heavy smog that normally envelopes my face is lifted, and I can breathe again. Right as I get used to the fresh oxygen, the cloud returns– darker, heavier, and more intense than ever before. The haze grows heavy again, and each coming breath proves more difficult than the next.

This cycle of storms coming and going within me leads me to question the brighter days. I constantly believe I am in the eye of a hurricane, and there always seems to be another disaster to follow the previous one.

My cloud consumes who I am and causes me to question everything I thought I had conquered. Just when I think I have moved past an issue, the cloud whispers in my ear all the reasons it’s still there.

Sometimes there’s thunder and lightning rattling inside my head, yet on the outside, I’m radiating blue skies and sunshine. The false pretense of being “fine,” while draining, saves the constant explanations of why the opposite is true.

The cloud in my brain will be there forever. There’s no method, no solution, no way to remove it from inside me. There are techniques that I can practice to alleviate its presence, but push comes to shove, it will always be a part of my life.

This may sound melancholy, but I’ve grown accustomed to the fact that my cloud is a part of who I am– I’ve learned to cope with living with the cloud in my head. While it sometimes feels as if my cloud is all that people see of me- as if it defines me- I am stronger than my cloud, and I am who the world sees.

Eventually, the hurricanes and tornadoes inside me will become less frequent, and I can eventually learn to weaken the toll they take on me. It’s not easy, but it’s possible to live with the cloud and the downpours that accompany it.

There’s a cloud that lives inside my head. But one day, the cloud may part, and the sunshine will reach my brain, and I will be freed.