When I was in the sixth grade, I had to write a book report on the book Hatchet. When I wrote my essay, I was not fluent in my speaking or writing. I ended up getting an awful score because I had completed the task improperly. My teacher ended up allowing me to rewrite my book report, but I never fixed my essay. I was so disappointed in my first score that I was sure my second would not have been any better. This feeling of failure and not being able to thrive like other kids made me freeze in that moment of defeat.

Since then I’ve made countless stupid decisions. I make big ones, and I make small ones. In this story, I let my shame turn me into giving up and leading me towards more failure. Being ashamed of your inadequacy is probably the most natural thing, but it leads to more anguish when you do not use this as a teachable moment.

There have been times where I have repeatedly made the same mistakes over and over again. They say that insanity is doing something repeatedly and expecting different results. With that being said, “I’ve been insane more than once.” I knew what my problems were, but I didn’t do anything to change the situation. Why?

Changing from a lifelong habit is not an overnight thing, especially when I was not ready to face the facts yet. I had failed because I had chosen to succumb to the defeated mentality. I started to believe that I was weak. Weak people tend to have no self-control. Just like a wounded animal, I whimpered and hid in a corner, ashamed. At that moment, hopelessness was my only friend.

I’m not weak, but I let my mistakes define me. Mistakes are caused by poor judgment, carelessness, and insufficient knowledge. All three of these causes are avoidable with preparation, proper training, and intentional practice. Now I have realized that wanting to be better is not enough; you must put your desires into action. Failure is a part of life, but giving up has never sprouted abundance in life. Life is hard, but sometimes you have to learn to endure the storm to get a glimpse of the wondrous rainbow.

Your mistakes are in the past. Study it and learn from it like an APUSH exam; stop living in the mistake. Don’t ever give up on yourself or let negativity define who you are. Your circumstances are changeable. Recognizing the truth to your mistakes and how you got there is a great first step of recovering. Don’t fret; from kings to paupers, we have all fallen. It’s the ones who preserve and breaks their chains that are rewarded with peace, joy, and freedom. Most importantly a wise king once said, “Change must come from within.” Change your attitude; change your circumstance. May peace and joy find dwelling in you. I pray that peace be with you as you journey towards joy– the joy of being free.