I can’t make decisions

I can't make decisions

I have always been fascinated by people who make quick, sound decisions, whether that decision dictates what flavors of ice cream they get or decisions that could affect them for an extended period of time.

It is as if they already scanned and processed all the outcomes, and based on that, they can make a justifiable decision. They’ve looked through every possible avenue, and within seconds they have a final verdict. Or maybe they have the luxury of being able to decide on something within seconds of being asked.

How?

Time and time again, I have proved to myself that I cannot make a choice without taking time to really think about it.

What if I end up hating my decision?

Am I going to be able to back out of it halfway in?

Is it the best choice in the long run?

So many “what if’s” and make-believe scenarios cloud my decision making, and I’m left with options I couldn’t possibly decide on.

It is a constant fear that I will inevitably make the wrong decision and wallow in despair over what could have been.”

It is a constant fear that I will inevitably make the wrong decision and wallow in despair over what could have been. A tiring process of second-guessing on everything, thinking that I’m saving myself from a world of hurt that would be considered as my first instinct.

It will never be as simple as choosing a picture to post on Instagram and tagging a catchy caption to it. I look good in one picture, but I hate the way my complexion is captured in the awful lighting. I could just slap on a filter—but which one? Mayfair makes me look yellow, and Mono looks way too dark. I might as well just not post it.

Maybe I’ll start flipping a coin. Maybe I’ll let heads or tails pave the way for my decisions. But even then, I’d be at crossroads figuring out if a coin would solve the problem, and I haven’t even gotten to the real decision yet.

The indecisive part of me focuses on the logical part of decisions. I can account for the benefits and detriments of each choice, and based on that, I can try and find a ruling. Each avenue is accounted for. Every path is searched willfully.

In no way am I trying to degrade myself for what some people would presume to be a flaw. I have learned to find love in my indecisiveness. At points in my life, I can’t pinpoint what I truly desire, and maybe that’s a good thing. I’m not always supposed to know the right answer to something, especially because there usually isn’t one! I’m allowed to go through my options, carefully considering how they are forever mine to live with.

I’ll never be that person who knows exactly what ice cream flavor I want right when I get to Coldstone, and I’ll never have enough time to figure out what elective class is right for me. But I have found peace in that too. It has opened my eyes to new things and experiences that wouldn’t be mine if I’d not taken my time to consider the possibilities.