I was never one to be alone. 

But now, it seems that’s all that I ever am.

My Summer was the child that played on the swings every day, always alone. She was isolated but never seemed to look sad. Other kids would think she was happy to be alone—that she preferred it. 

It was all a facade. 

Her TikTok videos were rare, but always exuberant and exciting. The rarity was not for means of being private. It was for the means of being lonely.

She expected the perfect life. Summer was her lifetime, and she was determined to make it shine. She was going to fill her world with lustrous light. Her sister Autumn could tell it was only ever a dim glow.

Summer could never tell herself how bad it truly was. She kept waiting for her life to pick up and be a movie; that was something it would never do. In reality, she was a series of short episodes that were cut too short for the viewer’s joy.

Autumn can look back upon Summer’s grave and tell her she set her viewer up for greatness. Autumn pulled the viewer back in as an all-too-needed reprise. 

Autumn is the child that expects greatness from those around her—she surrounds herself with beautiful people to bring her joy. Yes, she is alone at times, but she illuminates more than summer.

She has become the movie that Summer longed to star in. Perhaps not the most exciting, but she finds herself in a good place. Drama occurs as it would with any time she would be around people. Autumn’s life keeps the viewer entertained.

Deep down, Autumn does still feel alone. She feels she cannot share anything with anyone. She fears the world of being less private. Her secrets will stay inside her like the pumpkin pie spice creamer in her coffee. If she leaves them out, her coffee will be too strong, too much—just like how she will be.

She lives in the fear that no one will want her if she becomes too much. She hangs on the validation of others. She’s terrified of what could happen if they leave her.

Will she be the next Summer? Will she be buried next to Summer in the deepest trenches of the viewer’s heart? Will she have to be hidden?

She fights in an endless tug of war with the words that want to be said. She doesn’t want to be alone again.

Fighting the pull of Summer’s burial site, she only posts things she’s happy about on her TikTok. She won’t post something that she doesn’t feel is accurate. While she may be fighting to have people not know her innermost thoughts, she tries to be open.

She doesn’t want to live in secret, yet she wants to be able to keep things private.

She doesn’t want to become alone, and she wants to have her friends.

She doesn’t want to become Summer, and she wants to stay Autumn.