1 year. 3 dances. 4 shows. 14 games. 290 days. 1,000 memories. 

I don’t know what I expected out of this year. I think I expected it to be amazing. I was fifteen which meant I had more freedom. I could stay out later, go basically anywhere I wanted, and spend money on whatever I desired. I had great friends. I felt loved, I felt wanted.

But everyone always said that sophomore year was the hardest, and about a month in I realized why. Senioritis is a real thing—but so is sophomoritis. I can’t even explain how much I wanted to be in college, even a month into the year. I longed for the liberty of a more open schedule, the time to spend doing what I loved, and the complete freedom that I thought college would provide.

By the second month of school, I was over it. I was over the exhaustion, the nearly eight-hour days, the endless stream of assignments to complete, and the meaningless things I was learning. So, I let that consume my mind. I let the things that I was hating be all that I thought about, which made me hate them even more.

Sophomore year is really hard. 

Not just because of the wishes that my high school career could just be over already, but because of the people. People change during sophomore year. I am ending the year with nearly all new friends. Most of the people that I thought were my ride or dies at the beginning of the year, flaked and faded away throughout it. Personalities change. People try to fit in. Everyone just wants the year to be easier, and they don’t realize that by making their year easier, they’re making someone else’s harder.

That’s not to say that I didn’t do this too. I did. The relationships that I’ve lost through the year were not solely because of those people. I made mistakes too, I know I did. I was trying to make everything else easier as well. But that doesn’t stop the fact that broken relationships didn’t help the toughness of this year.

There were some highlights throughout the year. Some times that I felt like sophomore year was going to be the best. The theater department will always be that for me. I will always find my light in the dark corners of that stage. Those days and weeks will always be there when I remember why I love this place. It’s because of the people that are part of my theater family.

Although this year was not at all what I expected going in, I am a new person coming out. I know that. And I’m proud of that. I’m proud of the girl that I am now, and I’m proud that the girl I was had the courage to grow. Now, I don’t care what people think about me. I’ve gotten over the little things that I used to hate. Now, I like to talk to people. Now, I want to put myself out there, because I want other people to see what I see in myself.

I may not be the girl that I wanted to be nine months ago. This year may not have ended up at all how I expected. But I’m proud of everything that has happened that has led me to where I am now.

I’m halfway there.