All at once, my life shattered into something I never thought I’d know: the feeling of being alone.
One seemingly normal Thursday morning slowly turned into a night of unbelieving agony. My heart broke into a million pieces that day; I don’t think it will ever revert back to its original form.
I woke up that sunny November day with the feeling that I had everything I wanted, and fell asleep as an empty body, my heart and soul were shattered. I have felt a sense of longing since then — longing for the fulfillment of someone else’s presence.
The life lessons that I was shown by the person I loved will never be forgotten, and I’m sure I will always love him, but I now know that it is time to say goodbye.
I look for the person that I once loved in every interaction I experience, but it’s never the same. Although the situation in itself sounds sad, every similarity points me in a direction that is entirely different. I don’t want it to be the same.
Having to learn how to be alone after two years is the worst thing, and I’d never wish it upon my worst enemy; I wouldn’t wish this upon the person who did this to me.
Though, after an uncertain amount of time, it almost felt like a relief. The feeling of being alone came with the freedom of doing what I wanted to do whenever I wanted to; I was shown a whole new perspective on living my life. Without this newfound clarity, I would never be able to truly love myself like I do right now.
Even if I do hopelessly wonder if I’ll ever get back what I once had, I know that it’s not what I want. With the new sense of being alone, I can fulfill my needs without the worry and care of someone else’s well-being: I can completely and utterly focus on myself.
I was shown what it meant to have teenage love, and I was also shown what it meant to have teenage heartache. Although it hurt enough to the point where I didn’t know if there was an end, I did get to experience what it means to be a child.
I know I said that I don’t think my heart will ever feel that whole again, but honestly, I’m okay with that. I loved and was loved; I hurt and was hurt. It sucks feeling like I lost the love of my life, but that just meant I needed to find something else to fill that void: I was able to fill myself with my own love.
Having experienced love so young was representative of what I do and don’t need in my life. That random day in November changed my life, but maybe it was all for the better. I guess I will find out soon enough.
My life was shattered into something new.
