My biggest dream is ruining my life


My biggest dream.

The University of Michigan.

Every since I was a little kid, I have loved school. The unnecessary homework assignments I would receive in kindergarten—that consisted of counting how many steps I had in my house— were one of my most favorite things to do. Now, my once love for homework has turned into a deep hatred. I dread going home, because I know I will have to do countless hours of homework after spending seven hours in school.

The thing that amazes me is that I put the unhappiness upon myself. I take classes that are much too excelled for me, which causes me to spend twice as long studying than my other classmates do.

I take every single advanced class besides one; my life revolves around my homework and grades. I have become infatuated with my grades and constantly opening PowerSchool; the app that continuously haunts me.

I have stayed home on Friday nights to read a chapter of APUSH, I have separated myself from my friends during a party to finish a book, and I have done homework in the car copious times. My life has become a constant, crazy cycle of test, quizzes, and homework.

All because I want to go to the University of Michigan.

I have grown up bleeding maize and blue due to my dad being an alumnus. Since middle school, I have become obsessed with the idea of going to the University of Michigan. When I think about my future, it always revolves around that one school like Earth does around the sun. Since Michigan is such a prestigious college, it only accepts students with a 3.8 GPA or higher. This forces me to compete with mostly 4.0 students who usually have connections and will most likely have better grades than me.

Being so obsessed with my grades has caused my once happy life to be disappointing and unhappy. The dreams of adventures I would have during my sophomore year have been crushed by the reality that I will probably be home doing homework. Even when I am out doing something fun, I am stressed thinking about all the work that needs to be done.

Stress has become my best friend; it constantly accompanies me to everything. It constantly sits on my shoulder. My once bubbly personality has become dull due to the constant disappointment from my grades. I have forgotten how to love my life; I rarely stop to enjoy being a fifteen-year-old.

Getting into the University of Michigan has taken over my life, but when something plagues your mind as goal does to mine, it is hard to give up. After all I have worked for, is it worth it to give up now?

The hardest part about this goal is that it is mine. No one else is pushing me to get these stellar grades or go to this college but myself; my parents are happy as long as I try hard, but for me, my best work isn’t good enough. The feeling I get when I write six-plus pages of notes and still get a C on a test is the worst feeling— the feeling of disappointment. But it is far worse when the person you’re disappointing is yourself.

I constantly think about giving up my dream, but nobody likes a quitter. You never know what you can achieve until you try. Although will I achieve this goal of mine, or with I crumble under the pressure? I’m scared of failing but also scared that I can’t ever reach this goal. What it all comes down to is how hard I’m willing to work.

As I give up hours of sleep for this momentous goal, I think to myself, I will still be happy. I will still be happy if I don’t get into this college, but my happiness has had everything to do with this college. Will I learn to be happy without this goal in my life, or am I creating a false reality?  

Life is an amazing thing, but the filter filled with test grades and homework has obscured my vision. I am desperately trying to find my happiness that my dream has taken away from me.

My life seems to be being taken out from under my feet, and I would like it back.