I hide in the shadows of repetition


Addy Cousins

A picture of me over the summer when I didn’t have to think about the fear of change

I shine under the dull lights of routine and normalcy. I crave the repetition of my day, knowing what to expect when I get home and planning out my night in my head, noticing how it matches to the night before.

It is absolutely ludicrous to me how quickly my normal can change. For instance, I had eaten dinner at 6 p.m., and everything was normal. I was laughing at something my sister had said, and my brother was spilling food all over himself. Later that night, I walked downstairs to an entirely new layout of the furniture in my house. The dining room was now the living room, and the living room now looked desolate.

I handled myself well as I helped my dad carry the humongous tv to my new living room; I claimed I loved the change. But in my mind, I started to think of all the subtle changes that had occurred over the past two weeks alone.

I’ve started to work out more; after school, I make sure to either go for a run outside or run on the Peloton—the reason for the recent change in our furniture arrangement. I also have made a stronger connection to my freshman friend, and we talk all the time. I now walk home with my best friend every day, and it’s my new normal to scream along the path—yelling about my day.

In all honesty, I noticed the underlying differences in my day-to-day life but none as large as walking down the stairs to what seemed like a whole new house. It was then that the full effect of change seemed to smack me in the face. I blocked it out last night as if when I awoke the next morning, nothing would be out of the ordinary.

Though the fear hasn’t left, I feel a surge of readiness for the new life ahead of me. I feel galvanized to embrace every minuscule change thrown at me.”

This morning was a blur as I ran out the door, and I was too tired to remember the lack of normality in my surroundings. But when I walked in after school, my first thought was, ‘Oh yeah’. I’m sure I will adapt to the alteration, but the large modification slips my mind for now.

I hid from life with my routines; I now have to face change head-on. I feared I would be overwhelmed with change, yet I handled myself.  Though the fear hasn’t left, I feel a surge of readiness for the new life ahead of me. I feel galvanized to embrace every minuscule change thrown at me.

When the need arises, I have my safe place to go back to and hide from the overwhelming atmosphere of life. I can climb my way upstairs into the middle bedroom. I can sit on the floor in front of my full-length mirror, my head resting on the foot of my queen-sized bed while Alexa plays the same five songs on repeat. I can randomly talk aloud or jump up and dance around the random clutter littering my floor.

For now, I will embrace life head-on. I will let a smile appear on my face when I’m in the midst of change. I will not hide in my room, I will leave the four comforting walls and sit in the middle of the chaos that change is, and I will be rejuvenated by everything life has to offer.