Healing.
It means different things to different people and different things at different times.
For me, it’s something I believe I can’t do.
Yet, I’ve never tried. When I’m upset, I wait for it to get better on its own, without putting in any effort.
And it does. Then it eventually gets worse again because that’s just what life is; good and bad competing back and forth until one wins as the light leaves your eyes.
But it’s been months since it got better, and it’s been months since I put in effort. I haven’t written an optimistic word since July.
I’m tired of writing about how tired I am. It’s been an eternity of writing about the eternity of time. I’m so sick of this and I’m so sick of that and I just feel sick. But I want to write my genuine truthful thoughts and they aren’t optimistic.
I feel hollow and empty. I am dented and cracked and mangled. I have searched forevermore through the endless abyss within myself to find a reason for it all and I’m left with nothing. There is no “why” in sight. I am clawing at my being—the one thing I can supposedly trust—to survive and it refuses to answer. I see her in the corner, dead-eyed and lifeless, technically alive with a faint pulse.
But a faint pulse is still a pulse.
Revitalization.
I’ll let my sage flower heal me.
I’ll keep trying to find purpose in it all and I’ll keep hugging my friends when I see them and I’ll find time to do what I love.
I’ll remember that I’ve only just begun living and I’ll make mistakes and I’ll do my best when I can and I’ll do mediocre the remainder of the time.
I cannot heal without experiencing life in all of its complexities.
I’ll watch the days fly by and I’ll wonder where September went and I’ll feel myself letting time do its job: changing things.
I’ll breathe as the cold weather refreshes my soul and soothes my aching mind. The nostalgia of Halloween movies and the orange glow of October will bring me home.
I’ll cry and I’ll laugh and I’ll feel and I’ll love and I’ll hate. I cannot heal without experiencing life in all of its complexities.
In the most basic sense, I don’t feel okay. Nevertheless, no matter how long it takes to get better, it will, and I will too.
