My backwards mind

Katianna Mansfield

More stories from Katianna Mansfield

I am okay now
February 16, 2018

My mind shoots from one thought to the next in a quick succession, none of the thoughts connecting in a way that puts together a genuine thought. I do not have a methodical way of thinking. I hold every affirmative and negative opinion in the same space, and it’s so hard for me to voice them because I am confused and contradicted by my own beliefs.

I am an independent person who thinks relying on others shows weakness, and that is a firm value of mine. But on the other hand, everyone else is allowed to rely on me. They are allowed to rely on others, and I don’t see that as an issue in the slightest. I think self-love is the most important thing. Being happy with myself is something I work at every single day, and I think I succeed.

But also, there are few people who hate themselves more than I do, and I’m just starting to realize that because I’ve suppressed it for so long. I think everyone should be selfish and do what makes them happy, but I also think that giving everything up for others is how the world can function well. I want to get closer to people, and I’m working at that, but I want to be alone and let nobody into my head. I think I tell the world everything and am an open book, but I also think I don’t tell anyone anything that matters. I don’t think I have internal issues that need to be shared with others. I am very healthy, but I want to reach out and talk because I also believe I am sick. I wholly believe that I am a person who is genuinely loved by other people, but when it comes down to it, I don’t think I’m good enough to be loved, and their love is not accepted in my brain.

It does not matter what the subject is; I have a contradicting thought. And I hold both thoughts very close; there is not one that I believe more than the other. I do not talk about this with anyone else, either. Because I both believe that I think this and do not believe that I think like this. I am skeptical of everything, including myself. But I am also naive and hope for the best.

Because of this, it is the hardest thing in the world for me to voice an opinion. Chances are, if we are having a discussion, I will say one thing, you will refute, and then I will turn around and say the complete opposite of what I just said. Yes, it’s annoying and ridiculous. I know.

One thought cannot develop without the other popping up and screaming, “But!” And then it is an endless battle of the polar opposites. My mind is a constant political Facebook comment war. Betty is a stay-at-home mother just trying to protect the kids from the immoral values springing up in a completely different America than she grew up in, and Cam is a proud liberal with no concept of how other generations were raised; they are immovable forces just trying to influence the other and get their point across in any way they can. Nobody is helping anyone in that case.

This is what it’s like being inside my own head. The dragging of ponytails, bite marks, and right-hooks of my thoughts as they rage against each other in the forefront of my brain– and somewhere, I am there watching, frozen and confused. My mouth opens, and the words that come out are those of whichever side has the other pinned at that moment.

This way of thinking- this inability to have one solid opinion- troubles me in my communication with others, my security in myself, and gives me a sense of estrangement. Others do not think the way I do. I know they don’t because of their one-direction thought process and how they are able to communicate everything so much easier.

I feel like one burnt fuse that shorted a circuit in a seven-story building, and I’m influencing everyone around me. I can’t help that I’m broken, but I’m still getting caught in the flow of the electricity, just trying to bring light like the others even though I’m not like them.

It’s not always a bad thing; I love the fact that I can understand everyone and their opinions. I love that there’s no person in the world I can’t relate to belief-wise in some way. I love that I have more capability for compassion because of it. I am grateful for my odd brain.

I just don’t experience the same compassion in return because people don’t think the same way I do, and for that, I am also ungrateful for my odd brain.


I have no idea how to change the way I think or if it is even possible, but I’m trying my best to use my backward, conflicting, broken fuse of a mind in a positive way that brings light to the world in a way no one else can.