My positivity and my optimism are part of who I am; I always try to look on the bright side of things. I am always looking to find the silver lining of a poor situation.

I put on a smile in the bleakest of matters, and whether that smile is genuine or simply a way to mask my real feelings, I put it on, nonetheless. However, now my smile seems to be wavering, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. 

I try to always be busy because being busy means you are always needed. Whether it’s cheer, academics, or being with my friends. I set my schedule to be full. However, now I have nothing to do, nothing to look forward to. Everything about my future is unknown.

It’s as if I was a bright glorious fire now boiled down to a measly little flame about to burn out because nothing is fueling me. 

I took it all for granted. The tests, my friends, my life. The simple routine, like listening to the Frozen 2 soundtrack with my sister on the drive to school, or my friend who would hug me every day in sixth hour. 

I was spoiled rotten. Not with tangible things, but rather with a life where problems were few and far between, even if it didn’t seem like it at the time. A life where I was able to do sports and be with friends and family.

I would give just about anything to have things go back to the way they used to be. My simple, orderly, beautifully busy life. 

I don’t know how to be positive anymore. I used to feel the motivation to be better, to be the best me I can be, but now no one is watching me. No teacher or coaches pushing me to be my best. It’s hard to look forward to getting up because every day is exactly as it was the day before. 

I have been hurt and upset many times this school year. Whether it was about a test I failed, falling at a cheer competition, or fighting with a friend. I would endure it all again if it meant me being able to go back to the way things used to be. If it meant I would no longer feel lost in the unknown.

 I would do it all over with a genuine smile on my face.